What if I am not ready, when I meet the one? This question has been plaguing me all day. I mean I can't wait to get married and have kids, but I am just eighteen. I am practically a baby. I mean I have been through a lot. I have been through more than most homeschooled, church raised girls but what if I am not ready. I haven't gotten to live yet. I have been so hell bent on finding a man to take care of me and "love" me that I have lost so much. I lost my innocence. I lost so many firsts. I lost trust in men. I lost time. I lost sight of what I wanted because that boy thought my dreams were stupid. I decided not to travel because I wanted to be with this one boy. I could have been spending the summer in Childress or San Marcos. I let him take everything from me because I wanted to feel loved. I am so scared to settle down with a guy because I know the last three times I had myself convinced he was the one. Looking back I realize that is not who I would ever want to spend my life with. Now yes they had some amazing qualities but they were not the one. But I had told myself, "Hey we can make this work." I do not just want make it work, I want to know in my heart that he is the one.
But then I ask again what if I am not ready when he comes? I haven't gotten to go dancing yet. I have only been on a few dates. I haven't kissed two different boys in the same night. I never got my silly little threesome. Now yet all those things are childish but I am scared to settle down too soon. I am scared I will end up having to get a divorce. I am scared he will get mean. I am scared getting drunk and being like the old one. I am so terrified. I do not wanna pick the wrong one. It may sound foolish but I do get a lot of guys. Most of them are so easy to weed out. The ones that ask for bjs, goodbye sir. The ones who have no idea what grammar, spelling, or punctuation is. The ones who want pics, no ew there is porn for a reason. The ones who only want to hangout after ten. But what about the few good ones that make your world spin round. Those ones will either leave for an old girl or start piling up and then I have to choose one.
I just want to take a year and continue to talk to the guys I am talking to and become good friends with them before I ever start something serious. In that year I also want to travel and go visit all my family and have some carefree fun. But it does not work that way. It is not like the notebook where Noah will love me forever even if I am with someone else. No, in this world if I want to take things slow and just be friends for a while every guy would leave. No guy can value me enough to say hey, I would rather become your best friends first and be there for you when you are heart broken, sad, and happy than just hop into bed right now and do married activities. I want a man wants to pursue me so much so that he is willing to invest time without promise of a future. But isn't that crazy. Who knows with the track record I have with guys, if a wait a good month I wont ever have to choose between guys. They always seem to disappear. On a day like today I do not really like myself. I wish I could be content alone or never had to choose. But it is not my job to choose the one it is Gods job to make sure the one sticks with me.
But then I ask again what if I am not ready when he comes? I haven't gotten to go dancing yet. I have only been on a few dates. I haven't kissed two different boys in the same night. I never got my silly little threesome. Now yet all those things are childish but I am scared to settle down too soon. I am scared I will end up having to get a divorce. I am scared he will get mean. I am scared getting drunk and being like the old one. I am so terrified. I do not wanna pick the wrong one. It may sound foolish but I do get a lot of guys. Most of them are so easy to weed out. The ones that ask for bjs, goodbye sir. The ones who have no idea what grammar, spelling, or punctuation is. The ones who want pics, no ew there is porn for a reason. The ones who only want to hangout after ten. But what about the few good ones that make your world spin round. Those ones will either leave for an old girl or start piling up and then I have to choose one.
I just want to take a year and continue to talk to the guys I am talking to and become good friends with them before I ever start something serious. In that year I also want to travel and go visit all my family and have some carefree fun. But it does not work that way. It is not like the notebook where Noah will love me forever even if I am with someone else. No, in this world if I want to take things slow and just be friends for a while every guy would leave. No guy can value me enough to say hey, I would rather become your best friends first and be there for you when you are heart broken, sad, and happy than just hop into bed right now and do married activities. I want a man wants to pursue me so much so that he is willing to invest time without promise of a future. But isn't that crazy. Who knows with the track record I have with guys, if a wait a good month I wont ever have to choose between guys. They always seem to disappear. On a day like today I do not really like myself. I wish I could be content alone or never had to choose. But it is not my job to choose the one it is Gods job to make sure the one sticks with me.
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